Reflections on Fire

As 2017 begins to wane, I’m reflecting on my year. All my grand plans to keep up with my blog faltered a bit, yet this year of FIRE definitely ignited my passions and sent me on a whirlwind of adventures. Here are some of the highlights…

Imbolc was a dance around the flames, drinking whiskey with friends, burning our previous year’s burdens away…

As the flowers started sprouting, snakes and spiders emerged along with schemes to travel with my witches, seeking to further the spiritual. Bonds between dear pals strengthened, as well as my ties to my community here. I invested more time and effort, as the fresh air of Springtime energized me…

Summer, Morgan and I escaped to Huntersville to see Wendy Rule, to Shackleford Island to celebrate my birthday, and finally, to the most FABULOUS destination of all, New Orleans to attend HexFest and revel in the ghostly and esoteric…

This Harvest, I’ve seen many of my efforts finally reap rewards. I’ve seen my ideas manifest and new opportunities present themselves to me. My spiritual network has branched out to include new comrades outside my small Southern town. Ireland called, and I explored the haunted and historical urban landscape of Dublin, as well as connected with the verdant countryside.

I wish I could impart every sacred moment. Mostly, I just hope that you had many of your own. So now, as I close out this laundry list recap, I want to express gratefulness for every experience and lovely soul I’ve encountered this year. 2017 is not over yet, but as it winds to a close, I ask myself…

 

Who brings light into my life?

How have I been illuminated?

Where will my passions lead me?

What new fires will be lit?

Photo courtesy of JR

Death Throes and the Morrigan

I died this year.

Not a corporeal death, although I felt the physical effects and a bodily transformation. My heart felt like it was ripping apart in my chest, and yet, I reveled in the ecstasy of grief, holding on to the pleasure in the pain that comes with sensory overload and an activated fight or flight response. I rolled around in my own misery, which did not seem to subside and, in fact, intensified, certain that I would actually experience true death

It was only heartbreak.

The Morrigan made her presence known…

Celtic goddess of death, battle, and sovereignty, the Morrigan has a differing life cycle than triple goddess aspects of the modern witchcraft variety… at least in my knowing of her. I hesitate to even call her a triple goddess, as she seems to be more multifaceted than that. In my year of death, she showed me that we aren’t experiencing birth~life~death in our existence, but rather, life~death~rebirth. This cycle may repeat many times. Sometimes, the death that is manifested could occur because of a choice we make, like learning a new skill or making a move or taking on a new role. We are born again as a mother, healer, warrior, etc. Or we may have such drastic change come crashing upon us despite our own designs and best intentions. The Tower comes crumbling down. Our lives are not the same. We are unrecognizable.

I spent much of my death in reflection, recreating the past again and again, plotting out how I would do things so differently if I had another opportunity. These thoughts started to gradually transform in my mind from regret to discovery. I needed my heart to break and my world as I know it to fall apart in order to learn and rebuild myself, so that I can now create a life that is more free and full of purpose. I realize that I’m meant to be so much more than I had previously envisioned. More importantly, I was reborn and accepted my role as daughter of the Morrigan.

Around the winter solstice, although I felt like I’d made such progress, emotionally and physically, I started to feel weighed down, lethargic, crying without understanding why. I was in the death throes of grief. Every last shard, piercing my heart, keeping me from my new path, rolled down my cheeks and was purged. As 2017 approached, I felt a huge swell of pressure. Then…

 release.

It’s only a few days into the new year, but I already feel like I’m lighter and happier. Also, I’m unafraid to move forward. I still have my anxieties, painful memories, and obstacles, but they feel like drops in a pool of water, as opposed to massive tidal waves. I still have much progress to make, but I’m bringing qualities within myself that this year of death has tempered and forged, the qualities of strength, passion, and resurgence.

And just like that the death throes are over, grief has subsided and I cross out of the liminal, guided by the Morrigan, into rebirth.

First, To Know

This year has taught me a lot about the propulsion of spirit to continue to thrive and survive even when the soul is experiencing a living death, the death of self that must be reborn. There’s no other way but to keep forward momentum, even when it feels slug slow, and each step aches…

Yet, aches less and less, gradually over time…

But, still, an eternity.

Since emerging from the fog of this last year’s trauma, I realize that I have been tempered into something so solid. I don’t even remember how or when I became a platinum band from the most fragile silvery strands. And even when I’ve felt beaten down, there’s been immense love from noble souls in my life, from seerers of spirit, not circumstance. They recognize my strength, the power, the spirit within, even when I cannot.

It’s not luck that brought me to these friends; it was actually hardship. Something necessary on my path to keep me going, to keep me awake, alive, aware. I’m on this journey for a reason. I’m coming into my own, but I’ve always been a witch. I just didn’t know it, embrace it.

These hard lessons have taught me that. I wish that it could have been easier, but I wouldn’t trade this knowledge from spirit. Surely, I am wiser, possess a stronger sense of self, and have found faith in the mind and body to heal and transform because of it all.

With these realizations, I understand the road I must take, the road that spirit has sent me stumbling upon, even when I felt lost, adrift. Now, I know where I am, who I want to be, and where I want to go. And this knowledge feels like taking the first steps toward home…

I Will Need Fire…

To burn free from that which no longer serves. To fuel my creativity and passion. To propel me into manifesting new dreams in this new year.

Last fall, I got the opportunity to attend a meditation workshop on the elements. I thought it would be a fun out-of-town adventure with my lovely friend, Morgan, but I didn’t have many expectations, just gratitude that I was leaving my mundane existence, which has been wrought with growing pains this past year, for a weekend of release, delving into the spiritual.

I was blown away.

Wendy Rule, a gifted songstress, whose voice pulsates against your heart, and awakens spirit, inspired me to start singing again. She used her own gift of song in leading her workshop, and it created a magickal atmosphere to convene with air, fire, water, and earth. 

Two of the elements spoke to me in a significant way. Air is naturally very strong in me. I’m constantly thinking, flitting between one grand idea to the next, plotting, but never really putting much into action. During Wendy’s meditation, I, of course, felt the strong soaring sensation I usually do when engaging with the element of air. Yet, residing in the realm of knowing and seeking information can be stagnating without action. I see how I’ve been stuck in both my mundane and spiritual despite the exuberance that inspiration can bring. It needs something underneath it to manifest. So, it was fire that struck me the most. I saw myself flickering in the flame, no… I was the flame. And yet, I wasn’t devoured. I faced my greatest burden and set it free. Whenever I feel that weight on me now, I envision that fire turning my hardship to ash. I do breathe easier because of it.

With my troubles starting to burn free and stay free from harming me, from weighing me down, I need to use this fire to transform my thoughts into reality. In the meantime, I’m rediscovering passions that I thought were long forgotten like singing and writing- I finally started this blog! I’ve also had meandering thoughts of using voice more in my practice. I used to sing and perform, but let it go when life seemed just too complicated. Over the past few months, since her workshop, I’ve found myself composing songs on the spot to my kitten, singing in the shower, and using music more to manipulate and encourage my moods, to release, to praise, to rev.

From Wendy, I learned that the elements must be worked with in tandem and not just individually. I’m seeking the balance between them. Clearly, I have neglected the fire within, lost in my thoughts, my dreams, and the mundane.

So, I desire to keep the hearth fire lit this year. And I will it so.

Image portrays 9 of Wands from the Mary-el Tarot.